Woman's purpose is to be subordinate and supportive of the Man: Rav Dessler

Linked post: Woman's purpose is to be subordinate and supportive of the Man: Rav Dessler

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Problems With A Non-Orthodox Jews's Guide to Orthodox Jews

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I came across the book "A Non-Orthodox Jews's Guide to Orthodox Jews" this Shabbos. While I enjoyed some of the insights, I was taken aback by the section on women.

The approach there seem to be that insulting men as much as possible would attract women to Torah. I find that strange because Orthodox Judaism is run by men, so why would a woman want to join a religion lead by superficial, violent, unstable cretins? One also wonders if the author considered how the words might affect men? Is a man going to be inspired to radically change his life and heap upon it vast restrictions all for the reason that he needs it because he is so low? Reading the words, it seemed that the author doesn't view men as being b'zelem elokim. It really was alarming. I would ask based on the presentation if the author is a man, should he writing a book? Why should we listen to him?

Another problem with the section was the logic itself. Are men really more concerned with appearances than women? When it comes to aesthetics for sexual attraction, yes. But otherwise men hardly care about appearances at all. Do men judge the looks of each other as women do? Do men care what your apartment looks like? The eyes of the typical woman are all over the place. During Chasunah planning, who is caught up with the superficiality the men or the women? He could just as easily have said, upon a marital engagement, the man gets a set of Gemara, the woman gets a diamond. So who is the shallow one there? What I am saying is that the author seem to have started with a prejudice and found examples to support it rather than looking at the full range of human conduct. 

Consider the example of library visits, that women go more. Women take the kids, that's the main reason they go. And when women get books, it's usually romantic novels and the like. I have spent a fair amount of time in libraries over the years. The hardcore books are beyond gender. There are deep men and deep women, smart men and smart women. The generalizations are off-putting if only for the weak logic. It's a chilul Hashem to be so simplistic.

As for representing Chazal as saying that women are more spiritual, there one has to use sources and the author did not. This idea that women are more spiritual than men in Torah thought is a myth. The Baal Magen Avraham says that women are exempt from time bound mitzvos because the woman's yetzer tov is smaller. (See Zies Ra'anan, Yalkut Shimoni, Shmuel 1:1) The Maharal says in many places that men are more spiritual and are on a higher plane. (Tiferes Yisrael 4 and 28, Derech Chaim on "more wives more witchcraft") The Gemara says one who goes about in the counsel of his wife goes to gehenim. (Baba M. 59a) R' Moshe Feinstein says that we are equally holy. He also says that we have mitzvos because of our holiness and not the reverse. So why are women exempt from some of the them, to raise the kids. (Igros Moshe, Orach Chaim IV, 49 and Darash Moshe, Volume II, p. 154, Vayikra, Kedoshim) R' Joseph Soloveitchik says once you say both sexes are created in G-d's image, you can't say one is better than the other. The Rav Thinking Aloud on the Parsha, Sefer Bamidbar, pp. 142-3

What about Sarah? R' Avigdor Miller says that Avraham was her rebbe. Her prophecy was higher because his was affected by being out in public. The Netziv says his prophecy was higher and the midrash was talking about ruach hakodesh, which is affected by being out in public. Tape 412, True Modesty, 1:10:25 

What about other positive statements of Chazal about women? They are positive statements pointing out positive aspects. But we shouldn't get carried away with them. Each sex has its good and bad. 

I want to suggest that the author look deeper and think deeper into this topic and the ramifications of his approach. Think what it does to marriages if the wife looks at the man as if he is a nonspiritual wild animal. I think what  this book has done is project a feminist anti-male bias onto the Torah where it winds up more toxic than the secular anti-male bias.

Better to just say we are equal but different. 

 

Other authorities that either explicitly or implicitly contradict the notion of generally higher spirituality in the female include Rambam, Mishnah Horarios 3:7; Tur, Orach Chaim 46; Akeidas Yitzchak, Bereishis 6; Bartenura, Mishnah Horarios 3:7; Taz, Orach Chaim 46; Zies Ra'anan (Magen Avraham), Yalkut Shemoni, Shmuel 1:1; Vilna Gaon, Even Shelaima 1:8; Baal Shevet Musar, Midrash Talpiyos, Ohs Aleph, Anaf Isha; Rav Tzadock Rabinowitz, Dover Tzedeck, p. 119; R' Avraham Yitzchak Kook, Olas Re'iah, Birchos ha-shachar; R' Moshe Feinstein, Iggeros Moshe, Orach Chaim IV, 49; R' Joseph B. Soloveitchik, Man of Faith in the Modern World, (Hoboken, NJ: Ktav, 1989), p. 84; Lubavitcher Rebbe, Sichos in English, Iyar-Tammuz 5744, Vol. 21, pp. 69-72; R' Avigdor Miller, Rabbi Avigdor Miller Speaks, (Brooklyn, NY: Mesorah), pp. 245-246 .     

Rav Moshe Feinstein on holiness being a precondition for the commandments

The mitzvah of You shall be holy, which is followed by a recitation of several of the fundamental mitzvos, is not of the same type as the mitzvos that follow it. This mitzvah means that every Jew should realize that he is sanctified with the holiness of the Jew, and it is only because of that holiness that we were given the Torah and obligated to do the mitzvos. As I have often written, mitzvos cannot be fulfilled properly unless the doer has the holiness of the Jew. The Kohanim, who have additional mitzvos, must have the particular holiness of Kohanim. This is why we make a blessing before mitzvos and say, "Who has sanctified us with His mitzvos"; and Kohanim, before doing mitzvos that are limited to Kohanim, say, "Who has sanctified us with the sanctity of Aharon." The expression "Who has sanctified us with His mitzvos" should not be misunderstood as meaning that mitzvos are the source of the sanctity. It is self-understood that the sanctity the blessing refers to is the underlying sanctity of every Jew -- that which enables us to fulfill the mitzvos.

Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt'l, Darash Moshe, Volume II, p. 154, Vayikra, Kedoshim

Rabbi Avigdor Miller, Tape 412, True Modesty, 1:10:25 

Question: We see in the case of Rabbi Akiva that a woman can affect the man. How is the reverse and to what extent?  

Is the question can a man affect a woman? Certainly. Certainly. What do you think made Sarah great? Here Sarah became a great naviah. כֹּל אֲשֶׁר תֹּאמַר אֵלֶיךָ שָׂרָה, שְׁמַע בְּקֹלָה Avraham was told listen to Sarah. And Avraham is called a tefel b'navuah to Sarah.  That doesn't mean Avraham was less. Avraham was a bigger navi. Only Avraham was always in the street arguing with people. And when you argue you get excited so the schinah is not always able to rest on you. Sarah was magayeres es hanashim in her own home . So Sarah lived a tranquil life and therefore the navuah could come upon her more frequently.  But Sarah was the result of Avraham's tutelage. Avraham was her rebbe, no question. 

“The Chumash in Bereishis says that when God created man בצלם אלקים ברא אתם . Man and woman were created in the Image of God. Equality was taken for granted. If two personae were created in the image of God, you cannot say one is superior to the other.” (The Rav Thinking Aloud on the Parsha, Sefer Bamidbar, pp. 142-3)

Rav Moshe Feinstein on holiness being a precondition for the commandments

The mitzvah of You shall be holy, which is followed by a recitation of several of the fundamental mitzvos, is not of the same type as the mitzvos that follow it. This mitzvah means that every Jew should realize that he is sanctified with the holiness of the Jew, and it is only because of that holiness that we were given the Torah and obligated to do the mitzvos. As I have often written, mitzvos cannot be fulfilled properly unless the doer has the holiness of the Jew. The Kohanim, who have additional mitzvos, must have the particular holiness of Kohanim. This is why we make a blessing before mitzvos and say, "Who has sanctified us with His mitzvos"; and Kohanim, before doing mitzvos that are limited to Kohanim, say, "Who has sanctified us with the sanctity of Aharon." The expression "Who has sanctified us with His mitzvos" should not be misunderstood as meaning that mitzvos are the source of the sanctity. It is self-understood that the sanctity the blessing refers to is the underlying sanctity of every Jew -- that which enables us to fulfill the mitzvos.

Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt'l, Darash Moshe, Volume II, p. 154, Vayikra, Kedoshim

Linked post from Daas Torah blog: Greater the person, greater the yetzer

Rav Tzadok: The dangers of being on a high spiritual level - Daas Torah blog

Common wisdom is that the fight with the yetzer harah occurs for the common people. The wicked  are wicked because the yetzer harah has won while the righteous are righteous because they have conquered the yetzer harah.

In fact this is not necessarily so. The yetzer harah gets stronger if it is regularly conquered because a balance of forces is needed in order to have free-will. 

Sukkah(52a) R. Judah expounded: In the time to come9 the Holy One, blessed be He, will bring the Evil Inclination and slay it in the presence of the righteous and the wicked. To the righteous it will have the appearance of a towering hill, and to the wicked it will have the appearance of a hair thread. Both the former and the latter will weep; the righteous will weep saying, ‘How were we able to overcome such a towering hill!’ The wicked also will weep saying, ‘How is it that we were unable to conquer this hair thread!’ And the Holy One, blessed be He, will also marvel together with them, as it is said, Thus saith the Lord of Hosts, If it be marvellous in the eyes of the remnant of this people in those days, it shall10 also be marvellous in My eyes.

While the point of free-will varies widely amongst people [Michtav M'Eliyahu] - the basic principle of free-will requires a stronger and smarter yetzer harah. This idea is expressed by the statement in Sukkah (52a) - the greater the person the greater is his yetzer.  cont.

More on the Divorce Epidemic

Here is a man who married a woman who was not too young, but who was idealistic. She wanted to keep Yiddishkeit well. He married her, and because he was not trained to get along with somebody else, he found faults in her and he expected her to be more obedient to him. The end was divorce, and her life was ruined. This Shomer Shabbos out of town girl had waited a long time to get married, and finally he came along and she felt this was it . And then the divorce ruined her, and she fell into a deep slough of depression, fell ill with cancer, and died. And he is the one who is guilty. When he married again, he married a very old girl, far from good-looking, and much too old to have any children. It was a lack of realism. When you are married, make up your mind to do the best you can with what Hakodesh Boruch Hu sent you this time. That is the first of the Aseres HaDibros, the 'Ten Commandments, of Marriage.

R' Avigdor Miller, Career of Happiness, p. 127

Rabbi Avigdor Miller on the Divorce Epidemic

When the great dread day comes, when finally Hashem says you are free, you are absolved, does the neshama feel relief, does the neshama celebrate that it's all over? Oh no. It's the yom hamara, the great and bitter day. Because our happiness in life is the duty of being in control. Ta'avah ni'hiya, when a desire is broken, is repressed, te'erav le-nefesh, [Mishlei 13:10] how sweet it is for the soul.

Disappointments when you accept that in good will, that's a great success for you. Success doesn't mean anything. Anybody can rejoice with success. When a person who keeps his mind calm even in disappointment, that's the person who is gaining shelmaius. And that's why HaKodesh Baruch Hu created us.

Life is full of disappointments. It's full of joys. If there are joys and successes we have to celebrate by thanking Hashem. Certainly we should [also] be grateful and express our gratitude for all the difficulties of life.

Here's a woman who had seven children with her husband. Then she put her eyes on a strange man. And she fell in love with a strange man. This mishugenah woman decides that she's unhappy with her husband. Now later she gets over this infatuation with this strange man. He goes away and moves out of the neighborhood. Now she's disillusioned with her husband. A woman with seven children. She lived like a Jewish woman until now.

But she has deep down in her heart gentile attitudes, attitudes maybe there's such a thing as romance yet in life. That's a gentile attitude. And she feels unhappy. And the husband is a hum drum husband, an ordinary decent Jewish husband. Maybe a handsome man too. But still you're accustomed to him already. He's too accustomed to be romantic anymore. And so she starts becoming dissatisfied. You know what she's doing? She's ruining her neshama.

Of course she's not going to commit adultery. She's going to force him to give her a get. She's going to break away from him and she'll look for somebody else to marry. She'll be disappointed. No question. The second time will be worse than the first time. No question.

But the breaking away, that's a corruption of the soul. Your perfection is to take what Hashem gave you (.... ) Cling to Hashem all the days of your life. V'dovak b'ishto. Control yourself. Squelch the imaginary romances that you think are waiting for you in life. It's all false. Make up your mind that what you have is what's good for you and people who live that way into their old age. No romance. Just live dutifully, live loyally, loyal to Hashem Who gave this to you. And don't be a nirgon, don't complain.

How long is life after all? The great day will come when you will finally be relieved then you'll say, ah now I look back and see how fortunate I was, I was loyal to my husband all these years. I didn't complain. I bore my burden dutifully as a bas Yisroel what HaKodesh Baruch Hu wanted me to do.

[1:27:36] Unfortunately today there's a rash of divorces and in most cases it's Jewish women.  Even the frum Jewish women are demanding divorces from their husbands, all over, everywhere. It's an epidemic and a tragedy of tragedies. They are ruining their lives, but most of all they are ruining their neshamas.

People are not willing to make peace with their circumstances. Say I'm going to live the best I can with the circumstances that Hashem gave me. These are the people who are going to succeed and they are achieving what's called shlaimus of parishas haratzon. They are conquering their passions. They are ruling with their minds over their emotions. And that is the greatest perfection.

See if you can do it with yiras shemayim, with fear of Hashem, very good. Even if not, any which way you succeed in living dutifully and accepting what Hashem gave you, you are successful and you live your life with a grand purpose.

R' Avigdor Miller, class #646 Mind of Control, 1:23:45

Numerous Sources Online on Halachic Discussion of MASZG

Women and Berachot on Mitzvot Aseh shehaZeman Gerama [Action-based time-bound Mitzvot]